Happy, confused and.. wordless

It's strange, these days. I feel many things at a time, many emotions, moments of reflections and confusion. Maybe it's because of the sudden (to me) status change. Not that i was not looking forward to it but sometimes it's too surreal to be true. Surreal in the sense that it's just...strange to me.

Being out of a relationship of extremely long term, and then adjusting to a single life. The transition wasn't easy, from 2 to 1, and a wholesome one. Going out on dates, meeting new people, being unaccountable to anyone but myself and my conscience (God). That was an exhilarating time i must say, full of ups and downs. Sometimes i feel so lonely, yet sometimes i relish in the feeling of being free. Totally f r e e . . .

Free to develop more energy into relationships that matters to me. My friends, both guy friends and girl friends. But especially to my girlfriends. Free to give more to others as well as myself. Because i don't want to live a particular way for anyone else.

But all this has changed, and it's not for the better or worst, just different. Happiness exists in all stages of life, it can be found anywhere whether you are one or two. Did i have enough time to enjoy single happiness? I ponder deeply upon this because i know that if i am really serious to someone, i will commit myself to the relationship. But before anyone takes such an important step, do we first have enough time to enjoy singlehood?

Sometimes i am grudging to these circumstances. I wonder if I could have slowed down, if i didn't make my feelings so obvious, if i held back more, maybe.... maybe i could enjoy that season of life for a longer time. Because honestly, i don't know if i will have such an opportunity again. Will I, God?

Seasons opportune
Hasten not its rhythm
or blossoms will not flourish
and soils rejuvenate not
to its full glory

Keep your heart under lock and key
Wait for the arrival of spring
When the first shoots peek up to the nurturing warmth of the sun,
when the birds sing a happy song of return to this land once asleep
when the streams fill up from its thaw
only then, then
Bask in the beauty of spring.

Listen then, my love.
Have you heard it already?

I don't know. But at this moment, I am thankful. Still confused, very. And wistful in some ways.

There is a different kind of happiness though. And you know, he is really..wonderful.

I just wish I can be that to him. Just...give me some time.

xoxo,
principessa