Christ as the center

Dear diary,

Recently I've been worrying and getting sad over the impending move.

It is hard for me to first agree to going (settled), put my career on hold and getting no salary for 3 years (settled), pack up my life from our cosy home into boxes, find rental accommodation there, find a good tenant here that we can trust, come up with a plan on how to get our belongings out of our home, including what to bring in the limited shipping allowance that we have, how to replace necessities that are needed here after our belongings are shipped over, come up with a plan on where to store the belongings that we are leaving behind... And physically and mentally doing the great big move.

All these things involve my whole heart, body and spirit. I moved from my childhood room to our little green room, and from the little green room shared in the first two years of our married life to our home.

And now, to ask me to move from our home to a place far away, and to move most of the things we have from our home back to the little green room... ... I am overwhelmed from the sheer volume of 'work' involved.

I cried, I rejected it, I regretted it, I made a great big fuss... And still, I am thinking of how to settle this big knot of emotions. At the moment, I just want to escape from this situation. I wish that my life is just normal and happy, just the way that it has been. People tell me that it is a blessing, it is an opportunity, and I know it in my mind but the emotions from my heart reject it. I just want to be normal, I just want to be settled in our little home.

I thought about it for some time and thought that if we do not rent out our house, I will feel much better because the logistics will be settled. There's a safe haven to come back to whenever we visit every year. And when we come back, our old life and habits in this cosy home and resume. How ideal.

But who is going to maintain our home by cleaning up once in a while, making sure that Mosquitos don't breed, and using our electronics from time to time so that nothing is spoilt? A vacant home with no one to look after it is not ideal too, unless I plan to come back very frequently (e.g. Every quarter) or get someone to come in every week or fortnight for light maintenance.

Even without anyone living in our home, bills still need to be paid... Of around $150.

And there's the question about lost income from not renting out the house. Income that can help us supplement my loss of salary, pay the bills, contribute to our savings/retirement fund, income that can fund our activities in UK and exploring Europe... Come back or fly parents over, support family building etc.

Lord, what do I do? Rationally, I know what to do but emotionally, I really don't.

Please be in the center of my life, and not be outside my life. I need you O Lord!

Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."