Irretractable

Dear diary,

It had been a very draining few days. We quarreled over a major disagreement and both sides won't let it go. Insecurities from my past and his insistence for reason was the cause of it.

From this I know that reason and not being controlled and not being moulded into another person is more important to him.

For me, knowing that I hold an important & irreplaceable place matters. That only out of love, a person will sacrifice for the other willingly. He knows that this gaming thing is a demon of my past, and it hurts me that he persistently insist on this being unreasonable... yet he insists on not letting it be carried forward and not acceding to this request.

But the outbursts had already happened. 3 consecutive, tiring days. That it came to a point where unwelcoming & hurtful words were exchanged, irrational & unbecoming actions were taken to a frightening extent that... There is just no turning back. Self hurt or inflicting fire on the other.. Possessed behaviour & ugly manifestations. The mask comes off.

And the person you love becomes a demon to you because of your fear... of being controlled or of losing the other. Fear makes you even more afraid, more tensed and reluctant to open up. Marriage becomes a fearful reality for it is the battleground that you have to face everyday. One wrong move one wrong decision... Another manifestation then... BOOM!

It explodes, escalates, it extinguishes the fire of love. And no more. No more...

No more love but hate. Hatred of the person you love that turned you into a monster. No turning back. It's too late.

Love is best left to the naive, the innocents, the peacemakers. Not to this irrational crazed person who is damaged, sinful and guilty. The hands of time cannot turn back... And with wounds this deep and this big, only God can heal it. Only God...

But me? Me... I don't know. I can't bring myself to let him go after all that we built, I don't want to and I can't just give it up like this. But I can't face something so broken too... I can't face it. He probably think I am a crazy nutcase.

Sometimes I wish that God will bring me up so that I can leave the sorrows of this world. Relationships are so sweet when times are good.. And yet so bad when something is broken.

I fear I'll really kill something out of rashness if i continue to step deeper. This is a great testing field of my life.