At this moment of writing, i'm feeling quite down and i keep thinking of how terrible 2008 have been for me since i came back from USA. I think i've changed so much these few months and i became really negative about everything.
School is bad. Really bad for me, i got a B+/B semester cap and it may seem rather average for anyone but it is a huge disappointment for me. Nevertheless, i expected it as my attitude towards learning nosedived for the worst this semester, i became cynical about many things, i felt so hopeless and lousy about myself and my work. It may not be true, and i know, i know i can do so much better if my attitude changes but the motivation is just not there. I have been doing quite well for the past semesters, getting A- averages consistently because i have the drive and the type of never say die attitude because i know with prayer and effort, i can do it. It all started in the past with a little bit of encouragement by a quite special friend...but now i don't have it anymore. I am so tired of exams and projects that the enthusiasm for learning faded quickly away to nothingness this year.
Besides school, there are also various personally important issues that i have to deal with. All in all, the later part of this year is bad and being an idealist, i am quite demanding on myself in many ways.
Even today is bad, the sun is painfully tough i just feel like moving away to a place like San Francisco!! Gosh, over here i feel so lifeless like the sun is sapping away all my energy. I like nothing better than to feel alive, doing exciting stuff.....learn many new things, have many good friends and doing fun things. But the climate is not helping, neither is my attitude. I let myself fall too easily to setbacks and inconvenience and being overcontrolled on my random unpredictable emotions.. i should think more logically instead and press on.
I resist school because i can't seem to enjoy myself that i am freezing whatever braincells i have i haven't even settled on my ISM. If only there is a break, a good long long break that lets me rejuvenate myself and gather the passion for learning back again. Like a good 6 months break in a new life.
i am dreaming again.
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